Members of DC Mayor Muriel Bowser‘s statehood commission may be proud of choosing “New Columbia”—first proposed in 1982—as the new name for the District if it achieves its dream of becoming a fully fledged state. But, as we already noted in these pages, New Columbia is awfully dull.
Besides heaping yet another honor on Christopher Columbus, a historical figure who does not suffer any lack of memorials and honorifics both in Washington and around the nation, “New Columbia” inspires no memory or pride in the history, culture, or geography of the place that would carry that name.
Despite many public hearings, though, Bowser and the other members of the commission went with the default, when they could have gotten so creative. Here are just a few names they could have considered that would more accurately evoke the city that seeks to become a state:
- Land O’ Eagles
- Barrywood
- Anacostia
- Washington (Make Washington state change its name.)
- State of Utopia
- Potomac
- Rock Creek
- Capital State
- Trump State
- Obama
- Ronald Reagan Washington National Capital
- New Brunchington
- Washington, DC (Leave it as-is.)
Durantland- East Virginia
- Lower Maryland
- Statey McStateface
- Brooklyn Jr.
- Whatever Bryce Harper wants if he stays with the Nationals when his contract expires
- Pandastan
- Mendelsonia
- South New York
- Bowser’s Castle
- Snyderverse
- ?? [In speech, “Flag Emoji.”]
- Clusstown
- New J Street
- Warm Ottawa
- Less Corrupt Brasilia
- The Honorable Vincent B. Orange Sports and Recreation Complex
- Popville
- Boss Shepherd’s Folly
- (Insert Fugazi Reference)
- Wuhmatta
Names contributed by Alex Baca, Chris Combs, Caroline Cunningham, Benjamin Freed, Britt Peterson, Ryan Weisser, Amanda Whiting, and Alan Zilberman.
Benjamin Freed joined Washingtonian in August 2013 and covers politics, business, and media. He was previously the editor of DCist and has also written for Washington City Paper, the New York Times, the New Republic, Slate, and BuzzFeed. He lives in Adams Morgan.
